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I’M TOO STRONG

When I’m lying in bed in the morning, my thighs are all oozey, behind my knees and elbows all sweaty, my forehead stings because I’ve been scratching it all night. I know I need to get up and start the day, I need to exercise because that is what will heal me, I need to open Excel and set out a meal plan for the day because that is what will heal me, I need to go stand in the sun because that is what will heal me. But I feel crappy because I didn’t get enough sleep, and my body is broken, and I don’t feel like getting up.

So I say out loud to myself; “Brendan, how strong are you?”

And then I reply to myself, “I’M TOO STRONG.”

And then I throw the sheets off, sometimes so viciously they fly across the room. And I get up and start the day.

When I’m running, and my legs are starting to hurt, my skin is stinging like fire because it’s broken and the sweat is starting to seep in. I hate running. But I know I need to sweat because that is what will heal me. So when I look up the final hill to my house, and I think about how much it’s going to hurt, I say out loud, “Brendan, how strong are you?”

And then I reply right back, “I’M TOO STRONG.”

And I keep going. And I finish my run.

When it’s time to get in the shower, I strip of my clothes, sweat dripping off my body. And I know I’m only allowed a thirty second shower. And it has to be ice cold, because that’s what’s best for the skin, and the inflammation, and the immune system. And it’s winter, so I’m dreading getting into this ice cold shower. But I turn the water on, and I see it running all freezing cold and terrifying. And before I let myself talk myself out of it, I say out loud, “Brendan, how strong are you?”

And I reply right back, “I’M TOO STRONG.”

And with my adrenaline pumping I jump in the ice cold shower, and it’s the worst thing ever for 3 seconds, and then it’s the best thing ever. After 30 seconds I get out, and I look at myself in the mirror dripping with cold water, feeling invincible. And I say to myself, damn, you really are too strong.

When I wake up in the middle of the night, and I’m scratching like crazy, lying in a pile of my own dead skin. And I get out of bed because lying down only seems to make me itchier, and I go downstairs and I stand in the kitchen, I pour myself 100ml of water to drink, since I’m not allowed any more than that, in fact this 100ml is already cheating. But I don’t mind, I need it to clear my head. And I sip on it until it’s gone, and then I tell myself I need to go back to bed, and meditate myself to sleep, because that is what will heal me. And I whisper to myself, “How strong are you, Brendan?”

And I reply right back, “I’M TOO STRONG.”

And I walk upstairs and get back into bed, and I force myself to sleep.

And then it’s morning again. And I don’t want to get up. But I know I need to get up and exercise, and make my meal plan, and get some fresh air and some sun, because that is what will heal me.

I ask myself, “How strong are you, Brendan?”

And then I answer, “I’m too strong.”

And it starts all over again.

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